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Letters To My Papa
16 hours ago
It never comes when you expect it.
Yesterday I found myself more focused on celebrating my husband's second Father's Day than on mourning my seventh without my dad. I selected a photo of Papa, drafted a post, and published it. I missed him, but I didn't cry. I thought about him, but I didn't dwell on his absence.
Then this evening, I show Noella his picture and she recognizes him immediately, and it occurs to me to play a video of him for her. She's seen pictures of him. And she's heard his voice. But never the two at once.
So I pull up a clip of him speaking at the 2009 ELCO Homecoming pep rally. She starts repeating "Papa, papa, papa" even though I only ever call him Grandpa around her. (She also calls Grandma "mama." 🤷🏼♀️)
For some reason, the sound of my daughter (his namesake) calling him what I called him most of my life creates an out-of-body experience where I feel like I'm watching my own inner child call out to her father.
Just as I feel myself teetering on the edge of the emotional cliff, Noella says, "Happy, Papa?" (Checking in on everyone's happiness is quite important to her these days.)
And I fell. Right off the cliff.
The tears that were nowhere to be found yesterday came pouring out. I didn't see it coming, because I made it through the milestone holiday with no trouble. But that's the thing about grief. It's ALWAYS bubbling just under the surface. Even when it feels a million miles away. You're always one unexpected moment from a breakdown.
***this clip is all I was able to capture after I composed myself again. ... See MoreSee Less
I wish I had video of my dad. I would love to share him with my girls. Thank you for posting this. It strangely makes me feel better ❤️
Oh my. My heart is happy, yet hurting. Hoping Dad sees her excitement and giving you heavenly huggers. Huggers from me Babe. Love you. 😘😘
This had me tearing up reading it. You write so that people imagine and see these scenarios so vividly. I’m so sorry for your grief. I do love her excitement for her papa. 💕 thinking of you.
Oh my goodness, Ash. I have no words. Just sending lots of virtual hugs your way. ❤️
Ashley...your way with words constantly moves me...so much. Thank you for sharing what you do.
Hugs to you 💜🙏🏼
Oh, sweet girl!!!!
Those moments hits you at the oddest times.
Oh what a moment Buckwheat Jr! And he is smiling down 🙂
I envy the closeness to your father
Letters To My Papa
2 days ago
This is my father. My dad. My papa. This is one of my absolute favorite pictures of us because his laugh is practically audible. I frequently think about things he would find amusing these days, but I don't remember his laugh often enough. Yet when I look at this picture, it echoes through my mind.
I can still hear you, Papa. But I'm terrified the day will come when I can't.
And I love you so...
*May you always remember them out loud.*
#father #fathersday #family #grief #loss #bereavement #laughter #remember #rememberoutloud #love #papabear ... See MoreSee Less